Spending Money Feels Good

April 29, 2012 Ari Hahn Uncategorized

 

Money is there to be spent. Sure we should save, but that is only to have it to spend later. We enjoy what we buy, but at what expense? And how are we manipulated to spend more and more money?

Barney knows money. He is an ex-Marine and he looks like he was just discharged, even at 40 years old. He is fit, speaks well and looks like he has money. Sophisticated and outspoken, he is a real asset to the sociology class I teach.  He is truly passionate about promoting progress in his community, the urban African American community.

After a class in which we discussed the effects of status, status symbols and money. Barney became really worked up. The subject: Timberland shoes. What’s with the Timberland? You see, he works as a disc jockey and sees and talks to youngsters daily. He see what they spend money on. This is, apparently, the latest fad with the urban Black kids.

“Do you know that some of these kids have six or seven pairs of these shoes at $100 a pop!” Barney was livid. He could not understand why these kids are wasting their money on useless symbols instead of saving or investing in their futures. “I see kids who think that giving their money to big White corporations is going to get them a good life. What the hell are they thinking? It drives me crazy!”

So why do people who absolutely should not splurge on luxuries do exactly that? Some clues can be found in an article in the current edition of Scientific American Mind. Daisy Grewal describes research where African Americans were presented with stereotypical characterizations prior to being asked how much money they would pay for a luxury item. When compared to various control groups, these people were willing to pay more than Whites or Blacks who were not presented with the stereotypes.

The same phenomenon was found in other ethnicities. At least for Americans. (I have a suspicion that this particular research is valid only for Americans. Americans attach more symbolism to money.)
It seems that when there is a perception of even slight disrespect, people will message their egos by spending money on status symbols and the more they splurge the better the message.

This might be true. It might even be a “natural” reaction. Here’s the big problem:  once established as scientifically valid, it can become dangerous. Just think how it can be used. A fancy fashionable company opens a store in a urban lower class neighborhood to show how they are not prejudiced. Let say, Coach. They recognize that some people in Harlem can afford their products and claim that opening a store will help the community. All that would probably be true. Then they are worried about increasing their sales and hear about this phenomenon. Some shady are found hanging out in front of the store. So the get extra police protection. Some people will feel dissed. So they will be more willing to spend extra money. If I am wearing or carrying Coach Leather, I’ve got the power! With less money for personal advancement and investing they are more likely to remain poor.

And Barney will have more to be passionate about

 

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Mindfulness: the 2012 Buzzword?

January 2, 2012 Ari Hahn emotional regulation, Psychiatry, Techniques

A prediction of mindfulness, how strange? Annual predictions are a terrible business. I do not really think I can tell what will be important in the coming year. But seeing as this is my first year writing this blog, and I feel like there needs to be some way of commemorating the New Year, I figured I’ll play the game. I figure that if I see a trend already gaining momentum, it just might continue for some portion of the next 12 months. One big thing I see on the horizon is mindfulness.

Mindfulness is already becoming a very popular technique for relief of all sorts of discomforts. Its popularity is rooted in the growing popularity of Buddhist practices in America. Although I, personally, have some problems with the Buddhist part, mindfulness is actually a universal meditative process. Meditation is used in almost all religions as a way of lowering a person’s focus on self and the material world and heightening awareness of the spiritual. Although we presently call mindfulness “meditation” in Jewish meditative systems it is called a prerequisite to meditation.

There are a few basic techniques of mindfulness but they all utilize thinking about what is happening as if you are observing your “self”. Let’s say you want to begin by learning how to observe your own thinking (a very common place to start.) Most of us are aware that although thoughts are very difficult to control, they can be controlled with a bit of effort. We are also aware that there are several levels of thought. So, if I ask you, “what are you thinking about?” you might answer, “plans for the weekend,” or even, “I dunno. Just dreaming, I suppose.” In the first instance you were thinking about your thought, while in the second instance you were not thinking about your thoughts.

The simplest goal of beginning mindfulness is to cultivate the skill of thinking about your thoughts. To do this most people recommend choosing something to focus on and to pay attention to how well you are focusing. In this way, you can teach yourself mindfulness without having to pay any mind to the subject you are thinking about. Focus on an object (like a candle) or a word (used as a mantra) and just pay attention to how well your mind stays on subject. Don’t make it into a discipline, just take note of where your mind goes and gently coax it back into focus. With consistent practice it becomes easy.

With advanced mindfulness you begin to realize that all of your thoughts and perceptions can be seen as if from an observer’s viewpoint. That can even include pain and fear evoking situations. Wait a minute! That sounds very much like dissociation! The difference is that one is controlled and voluntary and the other in involuntary.

This idea, that advanced mindfulness is similar to dissociation, leads to a few fascinating conclusions. First, that mindfulness is a natural process under certain circumstances. Second, that dissociation is not necessarily bad. In fact, if used properly and in a controlled manner it can be healthful. (I first started working with people in this manner over ten years ago.)

Another important point is that mindfulness is not necessarily a religious practice, and definitely not only a Buddhist practice. You can use it to enhance your health, and maybe should try to integrate the practiceof mindfulness into your own belief system.

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Stigma and Cocoa Puffs

December 27, 2011 Ari Hahn Interviews

Stigma is a crazy thing. It resides in both words and thought. Well, actually it resides in thought and behavior, words are used to reinforce stigma by attaching perceptions to the words. But is the concept “crazy” stigmatizing?

It seems to me that victims should not be stigmatized. People who have conditions that they did nothing to contract should not suffer because of those conditions. As Americans we talk like we agree with this principle. People with disabilities are not stigmatized like they once were. It is not unusual to see a person in a wheelchair eating in a restaurant in 21st century America.

But that lack or stigma is not because we have a new vocabulary. We do not accept people who can’t walk because we no longer call them cripples. We accept them because we no longer see them as blameworthy in any way. We do not think that they are morally inferior because they suffered from polio 30 years ago.

The same should be true about people who suffer from mental illness. There is nothing inherently stigmatizing in the word “crazy.” It is just that the word has been associated with negativity because of the stigma. It is the stigma that causes the negative connotation and the negative connotation that causes the stigma. If one of the definitions of crazy is when a person perceives that world differently from the normative reality, then people with mental illness are crazy. If we do not change the stigma, then the words “mental illness” will also be stigmatizing.

The only way to change stigma is by normalizing the perception of the stigmatized population. Learn more about the mentally ill. Learn that it is not about immoral or bad families. Learn that people whose brains do not always work in the normative fashion are not to blame. Learn about the struggles that these people, and their families, go through. And eventually, as a society, we will begin to learn that there are ways to improve the lives of most people who suffer from many of the conditions that fall under the category of mental illness.

Karen Winters Schwartz has written a book that is a giant step in educating people about bi-polar disorder. In this interview I talk to her about this story, “Where are the Cocoa Puffs?” and her involvement in fight the stigma around mental illness. While there have been many books published recently about the experience of bi-polar, this one is different. It is not a memoir, it is a story written by a really good story teller who has close personal experience with a mentally ill family member. She makes the story palatable for people who have no experience without diluting the reality of living with a crazy family member.

As Karen mentions in the interview, she just sold the movie rights, and the book will come out as a movie in about a year. That is exciting. View the interview, buy the book, and tell people that you learned about it here!

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CBT for PTSD

December 14, 2011 Ari Hahn emotional regulation, PTSD, Techniques

I have recently fielded a few questions about different modes of therapy for PTSD, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. So I thought it might be a good idea to discuss a few here.

My own opinion is that there is a much more important factors for the success of therapy than the theoretic perspective of the practitioner, be it CBT or any other method. The single most important factor is how motivated the client is to take responsibility to change his or her life. The second most important factor is the personality of the therapist. The system of therapy probably comes in third in importance.

CBT

Today I want to discuss Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This is one of the most popular systems of therapy because it has shown effective in scientific evaluations of types of therapy. Most therapists incorporate aspects of CBT into their practice. It has been estimated at about 70%. Only about 25% have been properly trained in the system. If you specifically want to go to a cognitive behavioral therapist then ask about the specific training that person has had. This is especially true if you are suffering from complex PTSD, since the treatment can also be rather complex.

There are many forms of CBT, but they all share the same basic foundations and structure. There are five parts to the foundation and three parts to the structure.

Foundations of CBT

 

  1. Collaborative Alliance: Like all successful therapy the most basic of tools is that the therapist and client must feel like they are on the same page. In CBT it is especially important because it is a very structured type of therapy and C-PTSD clients are often unstructured in their perception of the issues they deal with. If your problem is a simple PTSD issue it is much easier. For instance, if a person were attacked with a baseball bat and now avoids going into sporting supply stores, the structure and collaboration is relatively easy. It is not so simple if you dealing with chronic pain or other pervasive physical ailments due to chronic abuse. CBT can deal with these issues, but it is complex.
  2. Learning new responses to life situations: A basic premise of CBT is that all behavior and thought patterns are learned and new patterns can be learned to replace the old ones. If you are afraid of hockey sticks, and think that you will have a panic attack whenever you walk by a sporting goods store, you need to learn that to change that response to sporting goods stores. If you are behind in your rent and might become homeless, and you react by thinking that your life is a complete wreck and not worthwhile, you need to learn that you still have hope and to think differently. Again the cognitive part of CBT.
  3. Focus on observable and concrete goals: A CBT practitioner will work with you to formulate goals that you can see the progress you are making. “To feel better” is hard to evaluate objectively. To reduce bouts of crying to under once a week is easier to measure. “To get along with my partner” is difficult to evaluate objectively, but to keep my boyfriend for six months without a major blowout, is a goal that can be worked on. This addresses the “behavioral” part of CBT.
  4. Scientist –practitioner: The therapist works like a scientist and teaches the client to think that way also. This means that you will learn to look for evidence that a perception is true or false. If you have a habit to think of yourself as un-lovable you need to search for evidence to disprove it. Are there incidents that people have shown love towards you? Even if not, can it be explained by factors such as your inability to see the love since others attest to the love that is around you? If this fits your style then you should consider CBT.
  5. Well structured: CBT expects that you can work in a way that focuses on your issues and work consistently towards resolving them. That doesn’t mean that new issues won’t come up. It does mean that side issues are not addressed. If you are working on your PTSD issues and complain about how difficult it is to get to work when your child has the flu, it will probably be ignored (albeit nicely by a competent therapist.)

Three Components of CBT

 

  1. Psychoeducation: This basically means that the practitioner will tell the client what to expect and how he or she will work to alleviate the problems. While not exclusive to CBT, it is important, It is essential for the therapist and client to be on the same page.
  2. Exposure: This is an essential aspect of CBT. If there are stimuli in this world that trigger negative reactions, the bottom-line goal is to be able to live in this world without those reactions. Since we cannot ever control the world we need to learn to change our reactions. Sooner or later we need to be able to come in contact with those stimuli and not “lose it.” We need to be exposed to the threatening situations and deal with them in a better manner. This will be through exposure to the negative. Even when done well if can be harrowing (see this example.) There are three main ways that exposure can be achieved:
    1. in vivo (live): this means that you confront the situation in real life. This is good for simple phobias. It is also used today in the US Army. Soldiers are put in full scales simulations of battle (with fake blood, but real noise, screaming, and real good simulations of all the horrors) and are taught to deal with it without breaking down.
    2. imaginal: This is more common for c-PTSD sufferers. In this format people tell stories about what is causing the fears and unwanted behaviors and they are taught to become less fearful and build healthier responses.
    3. interoceptive: This is the method used to deal with bodily sensations that trigger negative reactions. This can be very useful for survivors of childhood abuse.

Exposure is graduated according to the need and level of progress that the client is showing. Even done right it can be harrowing. A good therapist will not push any client too far too fast.

3. Cognitive Restructuring: This is the most famous of the innovations of CBT. We all have automatic thoughts that come up in certain situations. Sometimes those thoughts are counterproductive or even damaging. In CBT you learn to observe your thoughts, identify which are maladaptive and why, and to construct alternative thoughts that you learn to insert in place of the maladaptive thoughts.

It is really important to see a person who knows how to use these techniques, especially since they can be used in a constraining, scientific manner. Therapy is still mostly an art and flexibility is a key component. While that is true for all therapy, it is especially true when using CBTwith c-PTSD people.

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Memory Work?

December 3, 2011 Ari Hahn Coaching, Positive Psychology, Psychiatry, PTSD, Techniques

One of the major components of trauma therapy is memory work. It makes sense. Memories can upset your current life. It is the memories that cause pain, and we want to avoid the pain. Of course, it is not reasonable to expect all of the pain to disappear, but the goal is to get to the point that the pain is numb enough and controlled enough that it will not cause any disturbances in normal everyday life.

When Memory Work should be Undertaken

This means that you need to have a part of your life that you sincerely consider, “normal everyday life.” That portion of your life needs to be strengthened before serious memory work should be undertaken. Many therapists would call this your “safety net.” I think of it as much more than that. It includes you own strengths and ways of adding joy and meaning to your life.

When to Back Off Memory Work

Of course you need to be a good distance from many of the negative situations that many C-PTSD people find in their lives. Serious memory work should not be tried if any of the following conditions are not under control: substance addiction, self destructive behavior (self injury, suicidal tendencies, eating disorder) threats of violence or homicide life chaos (the likelihood that the trauma will be repeated, abuse is ongoing, no home or income, etc.) mental illness, especially schizophrenia, bipolar disorder (manic depression), or other illness needing medication the threat of mental health being overwhelmed.

It is wise avoid memory work while there is a threat of being overwhelmed and a history of self-sabotaging or self-destructive behaviors. Comforting oneself in dance, for instance, is much healthier than comforting with alcohol or drugs. You need positive ways of avoiding intrusive memories. While everybody has potential for positive coping and comfort, often there is a need to search and develop the positive skills.

Even if you feel that you are ultimately ready, you should commence memory work under the guidance of a trained professional. A qualified professional is able to keep the pace safe, since often we overestimate (or underestimate) our progress. You need to feel comfortable with your therapist. He or she should have experience working with severe rage, nightmares, flashbacks, and irritability because you need to be able to share this with your therapist in order to keep those negative symptoms at bay.

You Need to Control the Memory Work

More importantly, you are the one who is in control. You must determine when to begin. You set a safe pace and say when to stop. Stop or ease up at any time you feel overwhelmed.

When I work with people we do memory work in a slow and steady fashion. It gets integrated with positive gains and a sense of accomplishment. None-the-less, as a therapist/coach I am limited by the amount of work the client is ready to do. If he or she is not yet ready, then the most efficient way forward it to allow her to set the pace. And encourage positive growth. Until the memories can no longer harm today’s life.

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Children, gratitude and thanksgiving

November 24, 2011 Ari Hahn Coaching, emotional regulation, Positive Psychology, PTSD

Thanksgiving is certainly a day for family and children. Everybody in the family can learn to be more thankful. But why leave thanksgiving for one day? Since giving thanks and expressing gratitude has such wonderful payoffs you should invest in it every day. It sounds good but it is difficult to make even that type of commitment. I have found that while some people can’t commit for themselves they can for their children.

Expressing gratitude on a daily basis has many benefits. It reduces stress, protects against depression, strengthens the immune system, improves sleep, and has been shown to contribute to better grades for children in school.

Many people who struggle with PTSD will find extra strength to overcome the effects of trauma by thinking about their children. Parents who are aware of some negative behaviors and their effects on their children are often much more careful in order to protect their offspring.  Survivors of traumatic childhood events are often very sensitive and can sometimes find themselves to be explosive or angry much more than they,themselves find beneficial. But often when around their children they can find means for additional self control. In order to keep your children healthy you find additional strength.

But why use this tendency only in the negative situations? Children actually can help us to tap into positive strengths. Since we are always interested that our children have a better life than we had, there are opportunities to improve our own lives through our children.

So you want to help your kid to have a better life and get for yourself a better life. I recently heard of a great suggestion. Teach your children gratitude. Make a new custom, a new tradition. Every night, when you tuck your kid into bed ask him or her to tell you about three things that well that day. Help your child to find reasons to express gratitude.

If you do this for a few weeks children will consider this one of the best parts of the day. Remember that there is research that shows that gratitude actually improves sleep quality (that might benefit you.) There is no reason to think that the results are not applicable to children.

There’s more to it.  The positive effects of gratitude do not reside only in the person who expresses gratitude. There is a halo effect. The people around gain benefits. Better mood, improved immune system, enhanced memory, more restful sleep and other good things can start with your children and rub off on you!

I say: go for it.

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Michele Rosenthal PTSD survivor and founder of healmyptsd.com

November 22, 2011 Ari Hahn PTSD

Michele Rosenthal is a coach and PTSD survivor.

As you will see here, she is a vibrant and exciting PTSD survivor. She runs support groups and a really wonderful website. She hosts a weekly radio program called “Your Life After Trauma” which can be heard live every Thursday at 7PM Eastern, and the archives can be found on her website. She regularly talks to many PTSD experts, and has become a PTSD expert herself. One of the things I really like about Michele is that she keeps a positive outlook, and believes that a positive perspective is essential for healing. Since she suffered from PTSD for so long in her own life, she knows what she is talking about. I am honored to know her, and I am really thankful that she agreed to be interviewed here.

 

Interviews with PTSD experts, advocates and other Professionals

I’m really excited to present the first of a hopefully long series of interviews with professionals, advocates and activists involved in helping survivors of trauma and people who live in families with difficult members. I am currently looking for people with interesting stories, are active in  the community, or have innovative treatments. I welcome any suggestions, from PTSD survivors, therapists, and family members. In this interview Michele talks about herself and her history as well as many things she has learned along her journey.

I hope you enjoy the interview even half as much as we enjoyed doing the interview.

And please visit her site: www.healmyptsd.com. You can find there a whole lot of great information and links and resources for all stages of PTSD.

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Thank You, But My Life Sucks, Thank You!

November 19, 2011 Ari Hahn Coaching, Positive Psychology, Techniques

Saying thank you seems, at first blush, so very simple. We teach our children to say thank you over and over. As we age, mature and evolve into adulthood, we ungratefully change. Maybe we don’t want to feel indebted or disingenuous but saying thank you or expressing gratitude becomes more infrequent.

With more responsibilities we begin to worry about things going wrong and contemplate the implications when they actually do go wrong. Sometimes it seems like we can only notice how difficult life is. Soon we are so consumed by problems and issues that it really becomes hard to see when things go right. No gratitude there. To whom do you say thank you to when everything is all wrong?

This is particularly true if you have children who need special attention. Or if there is illness in the family. Or if you have a marriage or other relationship that demands extraordinary work to survive. If you share these challenges with friends they might recognize that you are overwhelmed and reinforce your feeling that your life is really bad, thank you. You start asking yourself, “thank you – for what?”

Why should you make a habit of saying Thank You?

But expressing gratitude is not for people who live the life of story book princesses. Expressing gratitude  has the greatest benefits for people who are least accustomed to saying thank you. If you normally feel like all hell is either braking loose or might break loose soon then you can more easily turn your life around than the next guy.

You can teach yourself to get into the habit of feeling gratitude and saying thank you. But why go through the effort? Research shows that people who show,  express or feel gratitude are happier, think clearer, sleep better and even have stronger immune systems.

Gratitude & Thank you: I can’t find the reasons!

“My life sucks!” you tell me. I have coached people who live with mental illness in their family or on themselves. Lives with terrible and unpredictable suffering. People who have lost the gratitude habit years ago. It can take some work to build up the skill of noticing reasons for thanks. It might start with a thank you for one day with a flare up. Or even gratitude for the time to get the laundry done. Maybe thanks for being able to enjoy a flower or a song on the radio. It is not really important what you notice and how major the positive event is. You want to teach your brain to be attuned to positivity. You want to train yourself to notice good things. As this skill grows the research shows that you will feel happier, healthier and stronger.

How can I train myself to say Thank You?

There are a few simple ways of acquiring the gratitude habit. Many people keep a gratitude journal. Every day write down three positive things that happened that day, and some reason why it happened. There are many places on the web that give instructions on how to keep a gratitude journal. Here is one good example, although while research has shown that three items per day is enough this site suggests journaling five reasons.

There are many other techniques. I will write details in future posts. Thank you.

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Relationships: Positive Self Care

November 14, 2011 Ari Hahn Coaching, emotional regulation, Positive Psychology, Relationships

In my many years of work I have spent some years as an independent practitioner and many years in clinics and offices. Today, as a college professor I do both. I find that it can be ideal to have both settings in my life because I love helping but when independent I do not have real relationships with people (therapy is a special type of relationship). When I add on a workplace, I can develop more relationships that are significantly different from other relationships.

Relationships in the Workplace

In my 30+ years of work I have had workplace relationship issues twice. Once about 25 years ago. I was a clinical supervisor at a clinic and I was young and advancing quickly. That was a formula for trouble and I had not the experience to deal with the ensuing politics. After a while I was miserable and eventually I had to leave. Politics at work can ruin relationships.

Today there is also a particular person who has some issue with me. But I am happy at work. It has absolutely no effects. How is that? What have I learned and what can I share about relationships?

There are actually three aspects that I have learned and are applicable in every person’s life. One relates to how to perceive the negative and two relate to positive aspects.

I Do Not Own Problems in Relationships

To change perception of the negative in relationships  is not easy and is one of the skills people learn in traditional psychotherapy. There is a person who was upset with me. Of course, she blamed and accused me of some “terrible” deed. I never thought that there was any truth to whatever she was thinking, but I never tried to convince her of anything. I just assumed that she had a problem and it was not my problem. She had a problem and wanted nothing to do with me. I obliged. I spend a lot of time helping people with their problems but not if they want my help.

Positive Ways of Dealing with Negative Relationships

 

On the other hand, when relationships in one area of life get screwed up there are also positive actions, steps that can be taken.

Relationships are extremely important but they are not the only way to enhance positivity in life. As an instructor I have my students to be concerned about. I cannot make real relationships with them but I can be dedicated to their success. I focus on achieving an academic goal. Every student who achieves a good grade gives me a sense of achievement. As I put more time into improving my work I have less time to be involved in office politics.

But it is the people and relationships that are important in my life. So to spend 40-50 hours a week without positive human relationships can be overwhelming. So I have learned to select a few people and nurture a positive relationship with them. I go out of my way to say hello and share positive experiences with them. I avoid sharing the negative unless they are ready to be a “dumping ground” and they know that I am only getting things off my chest without animosity. That builds a positive aura around me that enhances my hours at work. And since I am doing it mindfully, it is not really that difficult. I am proactively building relationships, not reactively.

The second path to make up for a substandard relationships at work is to focus on non-work relationships. For me this is easy since I am blessed with six children and 12 grandchildren. That takes time to dedicate to them. People who can’t easily build relationships with family usually focus on friends. But then those relationships needs to be family-like. That can take some work and sometimes some help. But then you also gain achievement.

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Do Yourself a Favor: Savor

November 11, 2011 Ari Hahn Positive Psychology

Savoring. We usually think of savoring as something we do with food. Savoring means to slowly enjoy and feel every aspect, quality or characteristic. Can one savor in other modalities?

I am sitting at a family gathering. It is not my family but my wife is very close to this family even though I am not. There is good food, stories, and singing. I usually focus on enjoying people, friendships and relationships but right now – these are not my folks. So began to focus on the other ways of enjoying the evening.

Savor Your Food

They served the soup. I focused on savoring the food. Most people enjoy good food. Me too. But I do not know how to slow down and really savor the food. I tried to savor the delicious soup and it didn’t work. At least not the taste. I can savor the aroma but that doesn’t last very long.

Savor A Story

Somebody told a story. I enjoyed it but not enough to focus on each aspect in a way that would qualify as savoring the story. I looked around and there a few people who were drinking up every detail. Those were the people who responded to the story. I suppose one could say they “savored” the story.

Savor a Song

When the singing starts I just have to stop writing this. The singing speaks to me. I can hear every note and nuance. It lifts my soul. I felt the connection to the melody and savored every measure.

We really knew this lesson before. We know that each of us enjoy different things in different ways. If you want to teach yourself to slow down, appreciate and savor don’t get stuck on one modality. Find something that is easy to enjoy slowly and practice focusing. Learn to savor something. You will bless yourself.

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