Tag Archive for forgiveness

Relationships: Positive Self Care

November 14, 2011 Ari Hahn Coaching, emotional regulation, Positive Psychology, Relationships

In my many years of work I have spent some years as an independent practitioner and many years in clinics and offices. Today, as a college professor I do both. I find that it can be ideal to have both settings in my life because I love helping but when independent I do not have real relationships with people (therapy is a special type of relationship). When I add on a workplace, I can develop more relationships that are significantly different from other relationships.

Relationships in the Workplace

In my 30+ years of work I have had workplace relationship issues twice. Once about 25 years ago. I was a clinical supervisor at a clinic and I was young and advancing quickly. That was a formula for trouble and I had not the experience to deal with the ensuing politics. After a while I was miserable and eventually I had to leave. Politics at work can ruin relationships.

Today there is also a particular person who has some issue with me. But I am happy at work. It has absolutely no effects. How is that? What have I learned and what can I share about relationships?

There are actually three aspects that I have learned and are applicable in every person’s life. One relates to how to perceive the negative and two relate to positive aspects.

I Do Not Own Problems in Relationships

To change perception of the negative in relationships  is not easy and is one of the skills people learn in traditional psychotherapy. There is a person who was upset with me. Of course, she blamed and accused me of some “terrible” deed. I never thought that there was any truth to whatever she was thinking, but I never tried to convince her of anything. I just assumed that she had a problem and it was not my problem. She had a problem and wanted nothing to do with me. I obliged. I spend a lot of time helping people with their problems but not if they want my help.

Positive Ways of Dealing with Negative Relationships

 

On the other hand, when relationships in one area of life get screwed up there are also positive actions, steps that can be taken.

Relationships are extremely important but they are not the only way to enhance positivity in life. As an instructor I have my students to be concerned about. I cannot make real relationships with them but I can be dedicated to their success. I focus on achieving an academic goal. Every student who achieves a good grade gives me a sense of achievement. As I put more time into improving my work I have less time to be involved in office politics.

But it is the people and relationships that are important in my life. So to spend 40-50 hours a week without positive human relationships can be overwhelming. So I have learned to select a few people and nurture a positive relationship with them. I go out of my way to say hello and share positive experiences with them. I avoid sharing the negative unless they are ready to be a “dumping ground” and they know that I am only getting things off my chest without animosity. That builds a positive aura around me that enhances my hours at work. And since I am doing it mindfully, it is not really that difficult. I am proactively building relationships, not reactively.

The second path to make up for a substandard relationships at work is to focus on non-work relationships. For me this is easy since I am blessed with six children and 12 grandchildren. That takes time to dedicate to them. People who can’t easily build relationships with family usually focus on friends. But then those relationships needs to be family-like. That can take some work and sometimes some help. But then you also gain achievement.

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We Love Quotes, So Why Doesn’t Their Wisdom Change Us?

November 8, 2011 Ari Hahn Coaching, Love, Positive Psychology, Relationships

The Quotes Addiction

Do you love quotes? So many people do. But is it really a good thing? I’m not sure.

Why do we read these quotes? We are really thirsty for wisdom. We need some deep, feel good guidance that is somehow based on unattainable knowledge. We seem aware that there are  (or were) people that can put us on the path of goodness, happiness, flourishing or satisfaction.

Once upon a time, most people did not have easy access to any level of deep established wisdom. They needed to work hard even to find a source of quotes. Sure, the hoary elders imparted the wisdom they garnered throughout their decades. This was always a valuable cultural and social asset. But in order to learn, or even be aware of the wisdom of masters, one needed to leave home and either go to an academy or a mountaintop or something like that. Today you can subscribe to a daily quote of wisdom. And if you are not into filling you inbox with random pithy statements, you can read the signatures of many of the emails you get from various acquaintances.

So what is the problem? It sounds pretty good.

Wisdom Become Cheap

I’m not so sure. When things become too plentiful they become cheap. We do not value things that we get with no effort. If you can pick something up at any time with little or no effort it loses meaning. Pick up quotes anywhere and they might be worthless.

Think: do you remember that last pearl of wisdom you saw on a tea bag, bottle cap, email or whatever? Is finding wisdom in those places good enough?Unless you put some special effort you surely do not. If you had walked for eight days to hear it from a great teacher you would remember it forever.

But the ubiquity of wisdom is not really the core problem. It just causes the problem that deflates the value of these worthy pearls. When we do not put effort onto attaining wisdom we lose the emotional connection the wisdom.

Making Quotes Valuable

Without an emotional connection we cannot make wisdom part of our lives. If we do not internalize messages they cannot improve us or our quality of life. We need to make an emotional connection with the wisdom we acquire. We can connect to the message either by our efforts or by our realizations that the bearer of the message is dedicated to our welfare. Or both.

Let’s say you are looking for a path in life and need some real wisdom. You look around and search for somebody you consider a true sage. Then you learn, in depth, that person’s teachings. You might even travel to meet that person and try to glean some of that wisdom in person. That is very different from a quote from somebody you hardly know, and of you did you might not respect that person.

Sometimes you accept the wisdom from a person who knows and cares for you. Think of the lessons learned from a loving parent. If you are lucky enough to have a mom who knew how to teach you the ways of the world, you know what I mean. She might not have been famous, but for you she was wise.

 

But too many of us don’t really have any of the above options. That is why so many of us crave quotations. And I still do not think that they are efficient. So what can you do? You need to combine some real effort with somebody who honestly cares for your welfare.

Quotes and Wisdom Becoming Part of Your Life

That is where a good coach can help. Preferably somebody who has experience in positive psychology, but definitely somebody who can help you work on extracting your own inner wisdom. Your own inner wisdom, you ask? Sure! You’ve learned a lot in your life, and why are quotes from, say, Winston Churchill or Earnest Hemingway (two famous, quotable, successful people who suffered from mental illness), more valuable than your wisdom? You certainly care about yourself more than they do.

It helps if your coach is also a wise person in his or her own right, but much more important is that he or she  will honestly care about you and your welfare. You might then find quotes from somebody who cares about you! With the proper effort and help you will gain happiness, success, fulfillment, goodness, satisfaction and you will thrive and flourish.

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Seven Steps for a Great Morning

July 27, 2011 Ari Hahn Coaching, Love, Positive Psychology

I pride myself in being both a scientifically-based psychologist and a very religious person. This combination has provided me with some huge, practical insights into improving my life. I have found it wonderfully rewarding when I realized how the science of psychology and the traditions I have received from my religion work together to make meaning and purpose. I truly believe that there are lessons here that every human being on the face of the globe can apply benefit from.

 

Many people will readily agree that that first hour of two of the morning will set the tone for much of the rest of the day. If you implement these guidelines I can assure you that within two or three weeks you will feel a significant improvement. There are seven steps that can make a significant improvement in your life.

 

A great morning starts just before you go to sleep. It is really difficult to have a great morning if you haven’t started the night before. There are two exercises which are really important before retiring at night. While I learned of these from religious writings dating back hundreds of years, they’ve been given specific names and forms to the modern science of positive psychology.

 

The first one is called the “Gratitude Journal.” Every night, at the beginning of my bedtime routine, I write in a journal three things that happened during the course of the day that I am thankful for. Next to each item I write some reason that the event occurred. It makes no difference whether it is a big and important event in your life or is a minor one. Also, it makes no difference whether or not the reason that it happened is a logical reason or one that other people would understand. What is important is that it makes sense to me.

 

Many people who start with a gratitude journal find it difficult at first. If this happens to you, be persistent. It just means that you are training your mind to focus on positive and happy events. Everybody that I have worked with has gotten the hang of it within a week or two.

 

The second step could be called “the forgiveness journal.” According to my religious tradition, I express my forgiveness to people who have wronged me immediately prior to going to sleep. The idea is to end the day with a clean heart. In positive psychology terms, is another portion of a journal in which you can note three people who you can forgive for something that occurred to you either today or prior to today. I have found this to be occasionally pretty tricky. Too many people think that they must start forgiving others for major wrongs or major hurts. It is important to start by forgiving people for things that you’re absolutely ready to forgive them for. Forgive your child for throwing a tantrum in the supermarket. Forgive your mother for reminding you too many times to do something or another. Way down the road you will be able to forgive your big brother for bullying you when you were 12 years old.

 

The third step in preparation for wonderful morning is to go to sleep with enough time to wake up rested. (That is a skill that needs to be discussed in a separate blog post.)

 

Step number four for a great morning actually occurs in the morning. Wake up early enough to get everything done even when things go wrong. I always wake up with enough time to avoid any stress. I know plenty of people who get out of the house in 10 or 15 min. I give myself a minimum of one hour. You might not need that much time. But it is important to budget enough time for emergencies.

 

Step number five is to dedicate a minimum of 15 minutes to some spiritual activity. I will spend a minimum of 30 minutes in prayer. On a good day, I can spend 20 minutes in meditation and 45 minutes in prayer. This sets the foundation and perspective for all of the activities for the rest of the day. If I am able to do this properly, I will be able to use just a few minutes of reflection later on to refocus and to gain proper perspective. In positive psychology terms, this is called giving meaning to your life. This foundation can be found in humanistic psychology and in 12 step programs, as well as almost all religious traditions.

 

Step number six is to put on a positive intellectual armor on before going out into the world. Read something positive. It seems that thousands of people read quotes from famous people. I typically learn a portion of the Bible, say a few chapters of Psalms, and learned some Chasidic philosophy. While the most proper suggestion is to do this prior to leaving your home, I must admit that most of the days of the week I will implement this stage on the train to work. With consistent effort you can learn to use some concentration while doing this reading and it will work wonders.

 

Step number seven is relatively easy. Prior to immersing yourself into the trials and tribulations of your daily grind, pull out your gratitude journal and read your prior entries. That is really good way to put yourself in a frame of mind to meet the challenges that inevitably appear.

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